Humor

What did the lady say to her Delphi Programming husband on a amourous night?

Insert...insert.....pause, break.....ENTER....control control

10 programmers

10 young programmers began to work online, One didn't pay for Internet, and then there were 9.
9 young programmers used copies that they made, But one was caught by FBI, and then there were 8
8 young programmers discussed about heaven, One said "It's Windows 95!", and then there were 7.
7 young programmers found bugs they want to fix, But one was fixed by the bug, and then there were 6
6 young programmers were testing the hard drive, One got the string "Format complete", and then there were 5.
5 young programmers were running the FrontDoor, The BBS of one was hacked, and then there were 4.
4 young programmers worked using only C, One said some good about Pascal, and then there were 3.
3 young programmers didn't know what to do, One tried to call the on-line help, and then there were 2.
2 young programmers were testing what they done, One got a virus in his brain, and then there was 1.
1 young programmer was mighty as a hero, But tried to speak with user, and then there were 0.
Boss cried:"Oh, where is the program we must have?!" And fired one programmer, and then there were FF.

Bill Gates vs. General Motors

In der Computerbranche bewegt sich Microsoft-Chef Bill Gates für gewöhnlich in sicheren Gewässern. Auf fremden Terrain hat er jetzt aber seinen Mund etwas zu voll genommen und in der Folge einen veritablen Schuh herausgezogen.

"Wenn General Motors", liess Bill Gates der Grosse kürzlich verlauten, "mit der Technologie so mitgehalten hätte wie die Computer-Industrie, dann würden wir heute Autos für 25 Dollar lenken, die mit einer Gallone Sprit 1000 Meilen fahren würden." Die Replik von GM-Chef John Smith folgte dann prompt. Würde in der Autoindustrie das geschehen, was in der Computerindustrie Alltag ist, würde folgendes passieren:

* Ihr Auto hätte ohne erkennbaren Grund zweimal am Tag einen Unfall.
* Jedesmal, wenn die Linien auf der Strasse neu gezeichnet würden, müsste man ein neues Auto kaufen
* Gelegentlich würde der Motor eines Autos ohne erkennbaren Grund auf der Autobahn einfach abstellen und man würde es einfach akzeptieren, den Wagen wieder starten und weiterfahren.
* Wenn man bestimmte Manöver durchführte, wie zum Beispiel das Einbiegen in eine Linkskurve, würde der Motor des Autos einfach abstellen. Man könnte ihn nicht wieder starten und müsste den Motor neu installieren.
* Man könnte nur alleine in edm Auto sitzen; es sei denn man kauft Car95 oder CarNT. Aber dann müsste man jeden Sitz einzeln bezahlen.
* Macintosh würde Autos herstellen, die mit Sonnenenergie fahren, zuverlässig laufen, fünfmal so schnell und zweimal so leicht zu fahren sind; aber sie würden nur auf 5 Prozent der Strassen laufen.
* Die ölkontrolllampe und die Warnlampen für Temperatur und Batterie würden durch eine generelle "Auto-Fehler-Warnlampe" ersetzt.
* Neue Sitze würden erfordern, dass alle dieselben Gesässgrössen haben.
* Das Airbag-System würde fragen "Sind Sie sicher?" bevor es sich auslöst.
* Gelegentlich würde das Auto Sie ohne jeden erkennbaren Grund aussperren. Sie könnten nur mit einem Trick wieder aufschliessen, und zwar müsste man gleichzeitig den Türgriff ziehen, den Schlüssel drehen und mit einer Hand an die Radio-Antenne fassen.
* General Motors würde Sie zwingen, mit jedem Auto einen Deluxe-Kartensatz der Firma "Rand McNelly" (seit neuestem eine GM-Tochter) zu kaufen, auch wenn Sie diesen Kartensatz nicht brauchen oder nicht möchten. Wenn Sie diese Option nicht wahrnehmen, würde das Auto sofort um 50 Prozent langsamerwerden (oder noch schlimmer). Darüber hinaus würde GM deswegen ein Ziel von Untersuchungen der Justiz.
* Immer dann, wenn ein neues Auto von GM vorgestellt werden würde, müssten alle Autofahrer das Autofahren neu erlernen, weil keiner der Bedienhebel genau so funktionieren würde, wie in den alten Autos.
* Man müsste den Start-Knopf drücken, um den Motor auszuschalten ...

-Best file compression around: "DEL *.* /S" = 100% compression
-The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
-BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
-BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
-Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
-C:\ Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
-Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
-Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
-As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
-Backups? We don' *NEED* no steenking backups.
-E Pluribus Modem ...
-File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) (Default - Y)
-A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
-An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
-CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
-Does fuzzy logic tickle?
-A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
-11th commandment - Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.
-24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
-Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
-Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
-SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
-Who's General Failure & why is he reading my disk?
-Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
-RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
-Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
-All computers wait at the same speed.
-DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.

Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.

Dear Boss, I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, none of this Y to K dates problem makes any sense to me. At any rate I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk. In addition, I have changed the days of the week, and they are now: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak. Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

Why Client Server Computing is like Teenage Sex

- It is on everybody's mind all the time.
- Everyone is talking about it all the time.
- Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.
- Almost no one is really doing it.

- The few who are doing it are

doing it poorly
sure it will be better next time
not practicing it safely.

The programmer to his son: "Here, I brought you a new basketball." "Thank you, daddy, but where is the user's guide?"

Windows 95 is a 32 bit extension for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

Have you heard about the new Cray super computer? It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.

If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.

How programmers do it..

Programmers do it byte by byte.
Programmers try to do it again and again.
Programmers do it with acronyms.
Programmers do it by computer simulation.
Programmers do it according to the specifications.
Programmers do it over and over until they get it right.
ALGOL 68 programmers do it od.
APL programmers do it in a line.
Assembler programmers do it a bit at a time.
C++ programmers do it with class.
Fortran programmers do it with double precision.
LISP (programmers (do (it (with (parentheses))))).
Logo programmers do it for an educational experience.
Prolog programmers do it artificially.
System programmers do it with interrupts.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. "Let's define darkness the new standard!"

None. "We'll document it in the manual."

None. It's a hardware problem.

Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project

Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to maintain it afterwards.

Four, plus one senior analyst to manage the project, one technical writer to correct the spelling and grammar of the one who documented it, one light bulb librarian, a sales-force of at least five to drum up enough users who want to turn the light on, 274 users to burn out the new bulb, at which point we go to tender for another light bulb change,...

Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.

Only one, but she's not available till the year 2000.

"The change is 90% complete."

"It's hard to say. Each time we separate the bulb into its modules to do unit testing, it stops working.

" Of course, as everyone knows, just five years ago all it took was a bunch of kids in a garage in Palo Alto to change a light bulb.

Q: How many MS engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, they just define darkness as an industry standard!

What happens to programmers when they die?

They get deallocated?
Their values become undefined?
The get re-intialized?
Their structues break down?
They become WORM food...
They start dropping bits........
They branch to a new address!
Their social system resources are released?
They dump core?

The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR CLIPBOARD!!

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

-Ten little gigabytes, waiting on line one caught a virus, then there were nine.
-Nine little gigabytes, holding just the date, someone jammed a write protect, then there were eight.
-Eight little gigabytes, should have been eleven, then they cut the budget, now there are seven.
-Seven little gigabytes, involved in mathematics stored an even larger prime, now there are six.
-Six little gigabytes, working like a hive, one died of overwork, now there are five.
-Five little gigabytes, trying to add more plugged in the wrong lead, now there are four.
-Four little gigabytes, failing frequently, one used for spare parts, now there are three.
-Three little gigabytes, have too much to do service man on holiday, now there are two.
-Two little gigabytes, badly overrun, took the work elsewhere, now just need one.
- One little gigabyte, systems far too small shut the whole thing down, now there's none at all.

WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation

WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses...